Finding lost passion

It's funny how things come back around.

How you remember doing something as a child and the sheer enjoyment you used to get when doing said task; but for some reason you stopped doing it? Whatever the reason; be it getting a career, starting a family, maybe even being discouraged by your peers into pursuing it, for some reason you have stopped doing something you used to love doing and you sometimes ask yourself...why?

Having time on my hands for nearly a year now, I have asked myself this very question. For myself it is searching for something to feed the soul and nourish my creative appetite. I have always been a person with an enormous creative imagination that just doesn't switch off. Though for most of my adult life I have pushed that creative voice down telling myself.."Don't bother trying to make a living out of your creative ideas, who's going to be interested?"

As a kid I can remember always sitting around drawing, thinking how fantastic it would be to be able to draw all the time and make up fantastical stories. Reading comics and books, watching cartoons and thinking that is something I want to do! The idea seemed so plausible back then..."why can't I just spend my time drawing, writing and colouring in?"

It seems that for most of us, growing up goes hand in hand with letting go of those simple, but amazingly pure, child like thoughts.

It is these thoughts that have started coming back to me as an adult with time on my hands to contemplate my place in the world and what I want to do with it.

I haven't stopped being creative completely as an adult, and have spent the last few years haphazardly doing a hobby called Warhammer 40k. It's a completely nerdy hobby for people who like to paint and play with miniature soldiers. I would say that I haven't been massively serious about it, though I have been rather happy with what I've been producing with no artistic training...just trial and error.

This hobby has never really been something I have 'loved' doing with all my passion and enthusiasm. It has just been something I have enjoyed doing in my spare time. Saying that though, for the last six months I have not picked up a brush as it became a task that was extremely laborious with little to no fulfilment.

I'm getting slightly off track here, but basically what I thought I loved doing turned out to be something that I didn't really!
This got me thinking about what I loved doing as a child, and telling myself that there is absolutely no reason in the world which stops me from doing now as a 38 year old adult. And what I kept coming back to was drawing!

As a kid I would sit for hours drawing Sci-fi and Fantasy pictures, making up little narratives stories to go along with them. I didn't do it for anybody apart from myself. I would get lost in these pictures I made and pour over comic books and fantasy art images for ages just soaking in the artistic creations.
I have never stopped loving Sci-fi and Fantasy art, but always told myself that I was too old to start learning to draw again so what's the point?

What a terrible frame of mind for anyone to be in if it's something you love, no matter your skill level!

So What changed?

With having time on my hands at the moment, I have become a bit of a Youtube surfer. Just finding random shit to watch. In the process I discovered the online comic from Penny Arcade (penny arcade ) which started out with two friends making simple three panel comic strips and have been lucky enough to be successful and it has been their full time job for over 15 years.
And just recently I have found an Aussie artist by the Youtube name Jazza (drawing with jazza ) whose advice videos have been amazing! *I still have to look at his 156 tutorial videos one day....*

These guys are just your everyday normal people who started out at different ages and have done something because they love doing it....even when job prospects seemed impossible. So the simple childlike idea I had was...."If  they can do it, what's stopping me?"

And the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

So in this last week or so, I have been simply picking up a pencil and drawing stuff in a sketch pad. My drawings are extremely rough, and rather pathetic, at this point in time because I haven't drawn in about 20 years or so...but I don't actually care!
As soon as I picked up that pencil for the first time, I had such a sense of enjoyment at trying to get all my imaginative ideas down on paper, it felt like I was that child again with endless possibilities in front of me. And this is something I believe we lose as we get older and bogged down in the day-to-day monotony that can be life.

I have been drawing everyday now for the last week, even if it's only something very small. The act of drawing is what is exciting me!
I have no idea if this will lead anywhere or how long it may take, but right now that's not in the forefront of my mind. I am just enjoying the simple and childlike act of drawing and using my imagination.
:-)

Taken for granted

Doctor:

"If this next lot of speech therapy has no positive effect, we can inject your vocal cords with a Botox solution. This will in effect 'put your vocal cords to sleep'. If we do this, you probably won't be able to cough, clear your throat or talk for about three months".

Me: 

"Okay....*blank look on my face*"

This latest revelation with my speech therapy got me thinking about how I would handle not talking for three months straight. How do you live without something that you take for granted?

Would I have to walk around with a pen and paper all the time?

Would I become a hermit and not have any social contact for three months?

How could I even answer my phone for that period of time.

How do you go to explain to someone that you didn't say 'hello'...not because you're an arse, but because you literally have no voice?

Or how would I go about the everyday situations where you need a voice, like asking for assistance in a shop?

Over the last year, I noticed the impact with not have much of a voice already. Currently my voice can be best described as a husky whisper. Some days are better than others, but on the whole, it sucks!

I can barely talk on the phone at all; it's difficult for people to hear me even when standing close, especially if I'm in a noisy environment like a shopping center; and having to explain what's wrong with my voice to people who don't already know.

I understand that there are people living in the world that have more sever problems than this, and they possibly find a way to cope, but I have only my experiences to work from. I was never one to actually like my own voice, not many people probably do, but I do miss it. I have always had a good sense of humor and have been told that I possess a rather quick wit...albeit on the dirty side most of the time. Though making people laugh is something I find great pleasure in. In a world where we worry about the smallest things, it feels really good to make someone forget about their troubles for even just a split second and to see them enjoy a good old fashion belly laugh.

As my sense of humor is a core to my personality; what if that is taken away? (not the sense of humor, but the ability to vocalize that humor)

My mind races at a hundred miles an hour, and humor is a natural outlet for me to portray any and all funny thoughts or ideas I have. If that goes, even for only three months, what happens?

I doubt I would lose my sense of humor, but without an outlet, I'm not sure if my personality would change?

At the end of the day there is no sense worrying about it until it does actually happen, so this Blog is just my brain working overtime as usual trying to dissect the information I have been given. 

So question yourself reader...

How would you cope with losing something you take for granted?

and

What are you taking for granted in this life?

The Adventure Begins!

I have no idea where this is going to take me, but with a decent amount of time on my hands at the moment I thought it was time to jump further into the raging river that is Social Media.

I have had the standard Facebook account for some time now, which is great if you only want to keep in contact with friends and family. To reach the greater public, I decided to jump into the Twitter sphere (@JendelBell) and to also start this Blog.

The main reason for doing this is I currently am going through some shitty issues with my vocal cords, and don't have much of a 'literal' voice at the moment. Being stuck at home most of the time, as it's hard to go out and socialize when you can't talk properly, I thought it might be a good challenge to dip my toe further into this crazy social media river...and see where it takes me?

Even though I am a massive nerd at heart, my stories on my blog will probably end up being about a wide range of topics, thoughts and ideas.
So stick around, enjoy, and let's see where this takes us!